I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
