One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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