He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
