she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
