i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
