I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
