It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
