he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
