I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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