im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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