Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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