Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
