I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
