the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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