it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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