when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
