She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
