a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
