Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
