apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
