I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
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