i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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