how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
