and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
