Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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