I cannot find my penis.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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