Im at strip club and am horny
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Drunk is a universal language darling
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
