A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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