I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
