dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
