thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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