Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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