Umm I'm too high to move.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
