My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
