After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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