happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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