Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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