just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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