remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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