dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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