I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize