and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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