he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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