party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
