im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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