My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Randomize
