I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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