turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
