There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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