I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
