My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
