I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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