At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
