Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
