The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
