remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
